Family Violence Unit
How to Tell if you are in An Abusive Relationship
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Safety Planning for Victims of Domestic Violence
Printable Separation Plan Checklist
Is your relationship based on power and control?
Physical and sexual assaults, or threats to commit them, are the most apparent forms of domestic violence and are usually the actions that allow others to become aware of the problem. However, regular use of other abusive behaviors by the batterer, when reinforced by one or more acts of physical violence, make up a larger system of abuse. Although physical assaults may occur only once or occasionally, they instill threat of future violent attacks and allow the abuser to take control of the woman's life and circumstances.
The Power & Control diagram is a particularly helpful tool in understanding the overall pattern of abusive and violent behaviors, which are used by a batterer to establish and maintain control over his partner. Very often, one or more violent incidents are accompanied by an array of these other types of abuse. They are less easily identified, yet firmly establish a pattern of intimidation and control in the relationship.
TYPES OF VIOLENCE
Violence is not just hitting with a fist or getting hospitalized with an injury. It includes many different actions.
PHYSICAL ABUSE
Any use of size, strength, or presence to control or hurt someone else:
- pushing
- shoving
- pinning against the wall
- holding against will
- grabbing
- kneeing
- slapping
- spanking
- biting
- twisting arms
- hair pulling
- choking
- abuse of children
- kicking
- backhanding
- standing on you
- sitting on you
- pushing you out of car
- trying to hit you with car
- attack with dangerous object
- hitting while pregnant
- banging head on floor and/or other area
- carrying you against will
- punching you with fist
- abandoning you in a dangerous place
EMOTIONAL VIOLENCE
Emotional violence involves any action or lack of action that is meant to control or demean someone:
- threatening suicide
- threatening to harm self
- not keeping a job
- following you
- checking up on you
- questioning money use
- intense jealousy
- blowing money on drugs or alcohol
- threatening divorce
- not allowing you to have money
- insulting your friends
- preventing you from going to school/work
- withholding sex
- pouting if denied sex
- manipulating with lies
- preventing you from seeing family/friends
- accusing you of affairs
- saying no one else would have you
- criticizing your looks
- asking “Whose baby is it?”
- asking who you were with
- asking what you were doing
- not allowing you to use the phone
- ignores your feelings
- withholds approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment
- makes all decisions for you
- wants to control all your actions
- humiliates you in public and private places
- ridicules your most valued beliefs, religion, race, or heritage
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PHYSICAL USE OF OBJECT
- throwing objects
- breaking personal items
- driving recklessly to scare
- slamming door
- tearing clothes
- breaking windshield
- punching wall
- sweeping things off table/dresser
USE OF SIZE OR PRESENCE
- standing in doorway so you can't leave
- standing behind car so you can't drive away
- taking car keys so you can't leave
- taking money, checkbook, credit, and/or banks cards
- unplugging the phone so you can't call police, family, and/or friends
- clenching fists as if to hit
VERBAL VIOLENCE
Verbal violence involves any use of words or voice to control or hurt another person.
- yelling
- being sarcastic name-calling
- insults
- calling you stupid
- threats to hurt kids
- threats to use violence
- threats to kill
- accusations of you “screwing around”
- calling you profane names
SEXUAL ABUSE
Sexual abuse involves any type of negative, sexual remarks/treatment or forced sexual activity that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- makes demeaning remarks about your gender
- calls you sexual names
- forces you to take off your clothing
- touches you in ways that make you feel uncomfortable
- forces you to have sex against your will
- treats you and members of gender as objects
- insists you dress in more sexual ways then you want
- insists you dress less sexual
- minimize the importance of your feelings about sex
- accuses you of sexual activity with others
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Source: “Getting Free” and other resources.
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